To my boys

Ryan and Corbin...

I am starting this journal as a way for me to tell you about the things I want to say to you but know that you just can't understand yet. It is my hope that this allows me to come to terms with a lot of the ideas and the thoughts that have been swirling around me... things that I have been trying to protect you from and things that I know will end up knocking at our door as life goes on.

I know that things suck right now... but they hopefully don't suck near as bad for you as they do for me. We are together... you both go to bed every night in warm pajamas, with full bellies, and knowing that I love you more than life itself.

I do... and I can't change that. Not that I'd want to. You boys are my everything. You are the reason that I am trying so hard to make this work. You are the reasons I get out of bed everyday and work as hard as I do. You are the reason that I save and the reason that I try harder every day to be a better mom. I never want you to feel as though I didn't give you 110% of what I have. Of what I am. Believe me when I say to you that there is nothing in this world that could stop me from making the world stop for you.

I love that you two love each other.

Ryan, you are always looking out for your brother. You help me every day get him ready for school. You share your breakfast with him. You bring him his things. You are a huge help and I know that you are really making this transition go a lot more smoothly than any little boy needs to. You bring me so much joy and happiness that I can't even begin to tell you about. Although you are just 3... just barely a big boy, you are my best friend and I love you.

Corbin, you are so much my baby, and yet such a beautiful spirit. You don't feel like only 19 months to me... you feel like you have been in my life forever. When I let this situation envelop me, it breaks my heart knowing that you will never understand what it was like to have both of your parents together and in love, but please know that we were. You are so much a free spirit and so much of a lover. Your hugs and your laughter make me so proud to be your Mom Mom. You are my best friend and I love you.

I know that this next chapter of our life isn't going to be at all what any of  us planned for. We are going to have to adjust. To grow. To change. But I can't imagine going through any of this without both of you by my side.

I love you!